Growing up with ADHD, I didn’t really have a way to be angry. Instead, my anger came out sideways. Sometimes as what adults called misbehaving. Sometimes as trying very hard to be the “good boy”, and still getting it wrong, which was devastating.
I don’t think that’s unusual. Many of us grew up in homes where some feelings were welcome and others weren’t. A child can’t simply switch a feeling off, so they find another way to carry it.
What TA calls a “racket”
In Transactional Analysis, this is close to what’s called a racket: a familiar feeling we learnt to have instead of the one that wasn’t allowed.
I think of it like a spin doctor’s cover story, except it runs below our awareness, because we learnt it so young.
The word can sound like an accusation. It isn’t one. These cover stories were clever solutions – they helped a child stay close to the adults they depended on.
What the cover story looks like
For me, the cover story for anger was that devastated, I’ve-got-it-wrong-again feeling. For someone else it might be hurt, anxiety or guilt, often alongside being understanding, accommodating and friendly. The anger itself may barely register.
These cover stories tend to show up when something echoes what happened when we were younger, and suddenly the old story takes over. The difficulty is that the original feeling doesn’t go anywhere. Left unspoken, it can turn into resentment, tiredness, or a sense that people keep taking advantage.
Next time that familiar feeling turns up, the one that feels like an old friend you don’t like, ask yourself: “If a child came to me feeling this way, what would I say to them?”
Most of us are kinder to children than to the child in ourselves.
A question to sit with
What feelings were you allowed growing up – and which ones had to wear a disguise?